Here's a Catchy Title

I was reading the transcript of an old interview or letter or something like that, of a not-so-old actor, where he mentions peppercorns and old people or whatsitsface (I forget)...look, I have poor memory, bear with me. Something about people giving up pride for peppercorns (which have always been expensive, it would seem) in olden times. There was a relay race thrown in there somewhere too.

Anyway, he likened the pride-for-pepper deal to that of forgetting one's roots and origins in the glories of fame and success. In his case, his roots being his family and fans. What a humble guy. Mint. If I were to interpret this barely tangentially culinary moral story myself, it would be with something obvious and banal, along the lines of the corruption of one's values and convictions in the face of alluring opportunities. Perhaps that is because I am banal in general.

There's also the fact that I have achieved nothing of note in life, so I've never needed to mull over something so deep as the steep pricing of pepper through the ages. Didn't the Romans end up having to ban pepper imports from India because they ended up spending too much money on it? Do Italians even use pepper in their food as much as they do garlic (yes, I know the Roman empire was much more vast, but still)? Truly, would an Italian vampire be allergic to garlic? Sometimes tumblr folks ask the right questions.

I feel leery publishing this, because I don't know how angsty this may become, and it is just a pointless ramble. And yes, I apologise if Italian cuisine does use pepper, I am clearly not familiar with the food. Also my apology is as insincere as can be. I've noticed I tend to get sarcastic as a defence mechanism (like most sarcastic people, I presume). At least I am no longer self-deprecating in my humour, but that's just a partial victory. Also, what is there to get defensive about here again?

In that same interview (or was it another one?), the actor expressed his belief that thankful people are happy people. And so he makes it a habit to journal his thankfulness everyday. Really, what a swell guy. I wish I could be at least ~10% as positive as he is (any more than that and my soul would involuntarily eject itself from this plane of existence from the sheer torment of the optimism). Is that why I'm either sad or angry most of the times? Because I'm not thankful? Because honestly, I'm not. Not usually. Am I an asshole, then? Is that why I'm drawn to cats so much? Whoa.

It's true, expressing gratitude for the good things in life, however small, does boost your mind and fill you with joy in that moment. Heck, that's why I even recommended gratitude journalling (slightly modified) in one of my tutorials on here...somewhere. But it is something that requires practice, from what I can tell.

I don't mean it's the writing that requires practice. Sure, if you're not the organised kind, then you might need some time to settle into a routine with your journalling. But I mean it's actually feeling grateful that, in my experience, requires practice. And it's being able to handle the joy that it brings, that requires practice. Dissociating that concurrent and increasingly overwhelming sense of alarm that comes with anything positive that gratitude brings to mind, that requires practice. Not convincing yourself, by the end of that short burst of happiness, that this feeling is all an illusion that will turn to dust the moment you pay it heed, just like everything else around you...this requires practice. Learning to trust how you feel when you don't even trust yourself, requires practice.

I like to think I'm a logical person, even though, objectively, I live my life ruled over by thoroughly irrational fears and just generally make a mess of everything without even trying to. Still, I like to think I'm a logical person. And I like to intellectually dissect these vaguely silly overreactions I have to everything in life. This is all, as a wise man has said, just mental diarrhoea. And I like to make my mind swim in its own diarrhoea...to...figure out a solution- you know what, I think I've just realised why it's been so hard to overcome this pattern of thought in particular! Ahahahahaha am I glad I wrote this down. Grateful, even ;-)